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Brian Reindel 👾⚔️'s avatar

Thanks for taking part in this feedback experiment, Josh! You’ve got a good fantasy story here, and all it really needs is some careful pruning.

What you want to watch out for in a story like this, especially in epics, is to make sure you’re not breaking the cadence or pace. Sometimes you’ll hear it referred to as the “beat” of the story. Even if this were a novel, the exposition you add in the form of lore and backstory should not break fluid dialog. Especially in short stories, almost none of that is necessary. You can use names to reference places, weapons, etc., but leave some mystery as to what they mean or to their importance.

What I would suggest first is to cut and paste the story into another document, and then delete paragraphs 2, 6, 8, 9 and then in 10, end it with “Lukar had trained some of history’s greatest warriors.” and delete the rest of that paragraph. In paragraph 12, delete everything after the sentence “Talios nodded to a pair of silver hilted rapiers belted around Lukar’s waist.”

Now, in your last paragraph, change it to the following:

“I’m going to find a blanket to wrap her body in so I can take her back to the city where she belongs. Then we’re going to see if we can find what’s left of the tavern. I need a drink.”

Now read the story again. It really flows nicely, and those action scenes were fantastic! You have a deep, rich story, even without all of the additional lore. Great job.

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Harold Ember's avatar

I enjoyed this. So this is a prologue eh?

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