Thanks for taking part in this feedback experiment, Josh! You’ve got a good fantasy story here, and all it really needs is some careful pruning.
What you want to watch out for in a story like this, especially in epics, is to make sure you’re not breaking the cadence or pace. Sometimes you’ll hear it referred to as the “beat” of the story. Even if this were a novel, the exposition you add in the form of lore and backstory should not break fluid dialog. Especially in short stories, almost none of that is necessary. You can use names to reference places, weapons, etc., but leave some mystery as to what they mean or to their importance.
What I would suggest first is to cut and paste the story into another document, and then delete paragraphs 2, 6, 8, 9 and then in 10, end it with “Lukar had trained some of history’s greatest warriors.” and delete the rest of that paragraph. In paragraph 12, delete everything after the sentence “Talios nodded to a pair of silver hilted rapiers belted around Lukar’s waist.”
Now, in your last paragraph, change it to the following:
“I’m going to find a blanket to wrap her body in so I can take her back to the city where she belongs. Then we’re going to see if we can find what’s left of the tavern. I need a drink.”
Now read the story again. It really flows nicely, and those action scenes were fantastic! You have a deep, rich story, even without all of the additional lore. Great job.
Interesting story, though I find myself unclear on some of the history details regarding Saria and Lukar and must admit to preferring Talios. I did not find the Elf in this tale terribly gripping, and hope you intend to improve him though via other tales to further flesh him out, as to Talios it might be interesting also to see him on his own.
I'll give it another read-through before writing a review-essay, and rating as I'm working on little to no sleep right now.
Thanks for taking the time to read, and for the feedback. I greatly appreciate it.
I do plan to flesh out the characters, and their histories, at some point in future stories. I've often thought that maybe this particular story wasn't the best way to introduce these characters and this world, but it just happened to be the first one that I wrote, lol.
Well they're introduced now, no use trying to stuff the genie back into the bottle. So all you can do now, is keep improving and keep working, your work has undeniable potential I would not have commented if I thought otherwise.
Thanks for taking part in this feedback experiment, Josh! You’ve got a good fantasy story here, and all it really needs is some careful pruning.
What you want to watch out for in a story like this, especially in epics, is to make sure you’re not breaking the cadence or pace. Sometimes you’ll hear it referred to as the “beat” of the story. Even if this were a novel, the exposition you add in the form of lore and backstory should not break fluid dialog. Especially in short stories, almost none of that is necessary. You can use names to reference places, weapons, etc., but leave some mystery as to what they mean or to their importance.
What I would suggest first is to cut and paste the story into another document, and then delete paragraphs 2, 6, 8, 9 and then in 10, end it with “Lukar had trained some of history’s greatest warriors.” and delete the rest of that paragraph. In paragraph 12, delete everything after the sentence “Talios nodded to a pair of silver hilted rapiers belted around Lukar’s waist.”
Now, in your last paragraph, change it to the following:
“I’m going to find a blanket to wrap her body in so I can take her back to the city where she belongs. Then we’re going to see if we can find what’s left of the tavern. I need a drink.”
Now read the story again. It really flows nicely, and those action scenes were fantastic! You have a deep, rich story, even without all of the additional lore. Great job.
I enjoyed this. So this is a prologue eh?
I'm glad to hear it! Actually, this is the prologue I was referencing:
https://joshtatter.substack.com/p/the-lord-of-oaks-prologue?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
Oh, okay. I'll have to give that a read. So is there more to this one of is this it?
Great story. You had me at Hitler
Interesting story, though I find myself unclear on some of the history details regarding Saria and Lukar and must admit to preferring Talios. I did not find the Elf in this tale terribly gripping, and hope you intend to improve him though via other tales to further flesh him out, as to Talios it might be interesting also to see him on his own.
I'll give it another read-through before writing a review-essay, and rating as I'm working on little to no sleep right now.
Thanks for taking the time to read, and for the feedback. I greatly appreciate it.
I do plan to flesh out the characters, and their histories, at some point in future stories. I've often thought that maybe this particular story wasn't the best way to introduce these characters and this world, but it just happened to be the first one that I wrote, lol.
Well they're introduced now, no use trying to stuff the genie back into the bottle. So all you can do now, is keep improving and keep working, your work has undeniable potential I would not have commented if I thought otherwise.
So I greatly look forward to the next story ;)
Thank you for the kind words, Josh!
<3 Tell me more....